English

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left. As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream! "

Customer: Please, tell my, are there other safety systems in this car? Salesman: Sure, There are two condoms in its first-aid kit.

Let's face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it

If the "GH" sound in "enouGH" is pronounced "F"

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. " "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died. " Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old! " "What was his name? " asks Paddy. Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin. "

Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
* Have you any grounds?
* Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
* No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
* It made of concrete.
* I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
* No, we have carport, and not need one.
* I mean. What are your relations like?
* All my relations still in Poland.
* Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
* We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
* Does your wife beat you up?
* No, I always up before her.
* Is your wife a nagger?
* No, she white.
* Why do you want this divorce?
* She going to kill me.
* What makes you think that?
* I got proof.
* What kind of proof?
* She going to poison me. She buys a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: "Polish Remover".

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.The bartender yells for him to stop.The panda bear asks, “What do you want? ”The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food. ”The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up! ”The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: “Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for its stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves. ”

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything and talked about everything. They had no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to her bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000."When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll. "The old man was so moved that he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving? As he gazed lovingly into her eyes, he almost burst with happiness."But what about all this money? You didn't save all of that out of your household allowance, did you? ""Oh no," she said, "That's the money I earned selling dolls! "

One dark night a young man was going home from the railway station. The road was very lonely, for it was very late and there were very few people there. He was walking as fast as he could, when very suddenly he saw that somebody was following him. The faster he went the faster the man behind followed him.At last he decided to turn into a side-street to see what the man would do. So he turned into the first side- street and walked as fast as he could. After some time the young man turned his head and looked back and saw that the man was still following him. Now he felt quite sure that the man who was following him was a robber. He took another turn and so did the man, but the robber did not seem in a hurry to begin the attack.At last the young man turned round and said, “What do you want? Why are you following me? ”“I am going up to Mr. Brown’s,” said the man, “and the porter at the station said that I was to follow you and that I must find the house quite easily as Mr. Brown lives next door to you. ”

A: "I've lost my dog! "
B: "You should put an advertisement in the newspaper. "
A: "That's crazy! He can't read. "