English

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face.Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?"Most of the hands go up."And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up."OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd."Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?"One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?"The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".Student: I is the...Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Yes = No.No = Yes.Maybe = Hell no.We need = I want.I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.We need to talk = I need to complain.Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to.Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead.You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.You’re so …. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"

Did God create everything that exists? Does evil exist? Did God create evil?A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question: "Did God create everything that exists?" A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!""God created everything?" The professor asked. "Yes sir, he certainly did," the student replied.The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil. And, since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil."The student became quiet and did not answer the professor's hypothetical definition. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.Another student raised his hand and said, "May I ask you a question, professor?" "Of course," replied the professor.The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?" "What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The other students snickered at the young man's question.The young man replied, "In fact, sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 F) is the total absence of heat; and all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?" The professor responded, "Of course it does."The student replied, "Once again you are wrong, sir, darkness does not exist, either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wave lengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?" Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course, as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily examples of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light."The professor sat down.The young man's name - - Albert Einstein....

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?""Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.""Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew.""Why not? Why don't you like Jews?""Jews sink Titanic.""The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.""Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

A man was fixing a door in his house and realized he neededa new hinge, so he asked his wife to go to the hardware storefor him. When his wife was at the store, a beautiful bathroomfaucet caught her eye."How much is that faucet?" she asked a young male employeewho was standing nearby."It's made of pewter," he replied "so it costs $300.""My godness, that is expensive," she said.She then proceeded to describe to the young manthe hinge her husband had sent her to buy, and theemployee went to the next aisle to find it for her."Ma'am, do you want a screw for that hinge?" he calledout as he walked away."No, not really," she answered, but I would for that faucet."

What's the worst thing to say to a man who complainsthat his wife is frigid? "Oh no she's not."