English

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Do you speak english?-Yes-Name?- Abdul al-Rhasib-Sex?-Three to five times a week.-No, no...I mean male or female?-Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.- Holy cow!- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.- But isn't it hostile?- Horse style, doggy style, any style!- Oh dear!- No, no! Deer runs too fast..

e-mail oneAttention: Human ResourcesJoe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be foundhard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, withoutwasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe neverthinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he alwaysfinishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extendedmeasures to complete his work, sometimes skippingcoffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely novanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profoundknowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can beclassed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot bedispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe bepromoted to executive management, and a proposal will beexecuted as soon as possible.Regards,Project Leadere-mail twoAttention: Human ResourcesJoe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.Regards,Project Leader

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.The dung was actually thawing him out!He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.Morals of the story:(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself."You know love," she says. "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby. Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"She says, "Yes.... My husband and I use it all the time.""And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?""We use it for sex."The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

' Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY.' We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!'Then he progressed to the famous ' Fasten Seatbelt Routine' . What he said was: 'To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more.After the plane landed, he said: 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants'His final announcement was: 'Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"

TEACHER : Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."ELLEN : I is...TEACHER : No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."ELLEN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER : George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : George!