English

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."The two sat sipping in silence.A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

A young teacher who was beginning his career asked advice of an older member of the faculty, "What have you learned as a result of long years of teaching?""I've learned one thing. While you are giving a lesson in class you will often find that there is one young upstart who always disagrees with you. Tell me, will you stop him and try to make him shut up then and there?""I suppose I will.""Well, don't. He's probably the only one who is listening to you."

A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:- It's dark here.- Yes it is.- I've got a soccer ball.- That's nice.- Do you want to buy it?- No, thanks.- My dad is outside.- Ok, how much?- 250 dollars.After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:- It's dark here.- Yes it is.- I've got a soccer cleats.Remembering what happened last time, man asks:- How much?- 750 dollars.- Ok.After few days, father says to his son:- Lets go and play soccer.- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.- How much did you get?- 1000 dollars.- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:- It's dark here.Priest:- Don't start with that shit again!!!

Question: If you catch it, you will throw it away. If you don't catch it, you will keep it. What is it?Answer: Lice

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this eldery gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home."Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."

A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "what do you think?"

Now I understand what marketing is:You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Telemarketing .You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed". That is BRANDING!!

Question: What is the longest word in the English language?Answer: "Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!Question: What starts with "P", ends with "E", and has millions of letters?Answer: The "Post Office"!Question: What word begins with "e", ends with "e", and has one letter?Answer: Envelope!Question: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?Answer: Because he had no-body to go with!Question: I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I?Answer: A liar!Question: What's worse than finding a maggot in an apple?Answer: Finding half a maggot!