English

Patient gives the doctor his sick-list and asks:Doctor, will I live?Doctor turns the first page:- Sure...Turns the next pages:- Most likely..., probably..., hardly...

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Passport control at the airport:— Nationality?— Russian.— Occupation?— No, no, just visiting.

During World War II, the German government sent two perfect spies to England. They behaved like perfect Englishmen and they spoke perfect English, so they were sure nobody would find out where they were from. One day they went to a pub for a drink.-Martini, please - said the German spy.-Dry? - asked the bartender.-Nein, zwei - replied the German.

She: You see, darling, this hat costs only twenty dollars. Good buy.He: Yes, good bye, twenty dollars.

The professor rapped on his desk and shouted:- Gentlemen, order!The entire class yelled:- Beer!

I Didn't Do My Homework Because...
* It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.
* My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized.
* I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
* I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers.

What is a cat?- Cats do what they want.- They rarely listen to you.- They are totally unpredictable.- When you want to play, they want to be alone.- When you want to be alone, they want to play.- They expect you to cater to their every whim.- They are moody.- They leave hair everywhere.- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.What is a dog?- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.- They growl when they are not happy.- When you want to play, they want to play.- When you want to be alone, they want to play.- They are great at begging.- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.- They leave their toys everywhere.- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!I figured, what the heck, give her a call."Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in."Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?""That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are sitting by the fireplace in the evening, smoking, relaxing ...
Holmes:- Uh-e ...
Watson ...- Yes, Holmes?
- Watson ... Why do you have such a strange name - Doctor?