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What Women Want in a Man. Age 20HandsomeCharmingFinancially successfulA caring listenerWittyIn good shapeDresses with styleAppreciates finer thingsFull of thoughtful surprisesAn imaginative, romantic loverWhat Women Want in a Man. Age 30Nice looking [prefer hair on his head]Opens car doors, holds chairsHas enough money for a nice dinnerListens more than talksLaughs at my jokesCarries bags of groceries with easeOwns at least one tieAppreciates a good home-cooked mealRemembers birthdays and anniversariesSeeks romance at least once a weekWhat Women Want in a Man. Age 40Not too ugly [bald head OK]Doesn't drive off until I'm in the carWorks steady - splurges on dinner out occasionallyNods head when I'm talkingUsually remembers punch lines of jokesIs in good enough shape to rearrange the furnitureWears a shirt that covers his stomachKnows not to buy champagne with screw-top lidsRemembers to put the toilet seat downShaves most weekendsWhat Women Want in a Man. Age 50Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmedDoesn't belch or scratch in publicDoesn't borrow money too oftenDoesn't nod off to sleep when I'm ventingDoesn't re-tell the same joke too many timesIs in good enough shape to get off couch on weekendsUsually wears matching socks and fresh underwearAppreciates a good TV dinnerRemembers your name on occasionShaves some weekendsWhat Women Want in a Man. Age 60Doesn't scare small childrenRemembers where bathroom isDoesn't require much money for upkeepOnly snores lightly when asleepRemembers why he's laughingIs in good enough shape to stand up by himselfUsually wears some clothesLikes soft foodsRemembers where he left his teethRemembers that it's the weekendWhat Women Want in a Man. Age 70 BreathingDoesn't miss the toilet

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages.After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be celebRate!" (celebate (celibate)-abstaining from marriage and sexual relations)/

Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats, why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-Von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwurstle-gerspurten-mit-zwei-macheluber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shoenendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.Love,Your $on$hlomoThe Reply:Dear Shlomo,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.Love your father,NOach

Once lived a man, who didn't have left arm, left leg, left ear, left eye, left side on the whole. How did he feel himself?He felt ALL RIGHT!

Betty Botter bought a bit of butter. "But," she said, "this butter's bitter!If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter!"So she bought a bit of butter better than her bitter butter,And she put it in her batter, and her batter was not bitter.So it was better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.The shells she sells sure are sea shore shells,For if she sells sea shore shells as sea shells,The shells she sells are sea shore shells.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.