English

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

-Do you speak english?-Yes-Name?- Abdul al-Rhasib-Sex?-Three to five times a week.-No, no...I mean male or female?-Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.- Holy cow!- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.- But isn't it hostile?- Horse style, doggy style, any style!- Oh dear!- No, no! Deer runs too fast...

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.The guy says, ”Who is this?””This is the maid,” answers the woman.”We don’t have a maid,” says the man.The woman says, ”I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.”The man says, ”Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”The woman replies, ”She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ”Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”The maid says, ”What will I have to do?”The man tells her, ”I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she’s with.”The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.The maid comes back to the phone, ”What do I do with the bodies?”The man says, ”Throw them in the swimming pool.”Puzzled, the maid answers, ”But you don’t have a pool.”A long pause and the man says, ”Is this 567-5309?”

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?Class: At once!

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.A twelve year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot.When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say?"The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute.""A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh, praise Sweet Jesus! I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I am sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

The female always make the rules.The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.No male can possibly know all the rules.If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.The female is never wrong.If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.The female may change her mind at any time.The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.The male is expected to mind read at all times.The female is ready when she is ready.The male must be ready at all times.