English

Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there:"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come... about 5:00.""Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... There's gonna be some drinkin'.""I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops."More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too.""Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'lldefinitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?Let's face itEnglish is a stupid language.There is no egg in the eggplantNo ham in the hamburgerAnd neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.English muffins were not invented in EnglandFrench fries were not invented in France.We sometimes take English for grantedBut if we examine its paradoxes we find thatQuicksand takes you down slowlyBoxing rings are squareAnd a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.If the plural of tooth is teethShouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beethIf the teacher taught,Why didn't the preacher praught.If a vegetarian eats vegetablesWhat the heck does a humanitarian eat!?Why do people recite at a playYet play at a recital?Park on driveways andDrive on parkwaysYou have to marvel at the unique lunacyOf a language where a house can burn up asIt burns downAnd in which you fill in a formBy filling it outAnd a bell is only heard once it goes!English was invented by people, not computersAnd it reflects the creativity of the human race(Which of course isn't a race at all)That is whyWhen the stars are out they are visibleBut when the lights are out they are invisibleAnd why it is that when I wind up my watchIt startsBut when I wind up this observation,It ends.

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.Dearest Darling,This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time. No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.All My Love, JimmyP.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing.

— Hello, are you there?— Yes, who are you please?— I'm Watt.— What's your name?— Watt's my name.— Yes, what's your name?— My name is John Watt.— John what?— Yes, are you Jones?— No I'm Knott.— Will you tell me your name then?— Will Knott.— Why not?— My name is Knott.— Not what?— Not Watt, Knott.— What?

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window… "Pull over!""No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair."I'm going to buy a cigarettes," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening."Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

Dear Alcohol,We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer...I saw the video.We need to talk...

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" the doctor queries."No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.