English

Memo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).Thank you,BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

What marketing isNow I understand what marketing is:You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Telemarketing .You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed". That is BRANDING!!

A guy tells his girlfriend:- Sweetheart, let's go somewhere?- Come on! But where?- Pizzeria?- No ...- Italian restaurant?- Yesterday was ...- Seafood?- I don't want the sea ...- Gloria?- Oh ...- Sushi?- Rice is hard ...- McDonald's?- Too fat ...- That where you want???- I don't care. Where do you offer and will go there.

A girl writes to her boyfriend:"Darling, if you sleep then send me your dreams. If you smile, then send a smile. If you cry, then send me your tears."He:"I'm defecating, what to send?"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow.""Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.She then asked him, "How does that feel?"To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

A husband brings home the vacuum cleaner.Wife:"You bought the vacuum cleaner?"Husband:"No, not bought. Imagine, I met your friend today. We went to her home, drank a little. Then she took off her clothes and tells me very gently: 'Take what you want...""So what?!""Then I took the vacuum cleaner... Useful thing at home."

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....."Your badge... Show him your badge!!"

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!The cab driver hit a parked car.

Once there were two brothers, Peter and Bernard. Both of them liked to ride horses. One day they both went to buy a horse. Bernard bought a horse and Peter bought a horse, too."Oh, dear!" said Bernard. "How are we going to tell our horses apart? How shall I know which is my horse and which is your horse?""It isn't difficult," said Peter, "you cut the tail of your horse shorter than that of mine."So Bernard cut the tail of his horse and now they could see which horse was his. But then the tail of Bernard's horse grew and the brothers began to think again."I know!" said Bernard. "You cut the mane of your horse very short and so we'll see which horse is yours."But soon the mane of his horse grew."Do you know what we must do?" asked Peter. "We must see whose horse is longer. Perhaps, one is longer than the other."And at last they found that the black horse was three centimetres longer than the white horse.