English

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand? " "Hey, thanks! " the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane? "

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. " The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me? " The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that? " She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens. "

Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn't entirely there.You haven't heard of the Bay of Mante, have you? he said.'No, sir,' said Mort.'Famous shipwreck there.''Was there?''There will be', said Death, 'if I can find the damn place.'

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words complete and finished, in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between complete and finished. However, there is most definitely a difference. When you marry the right woman, you are complete. When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

Q. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
A. No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas

Give me a Loan, and then Leave me Alone….

It was a bright spring morning and four high-school students decided to stay away from the first two lessons.Next morning they came to the classroom explaining that the day before the car in which they came to school had got a flat tyre. The teacher smiled understandingly and said: "You boys missed a test, so please take seats at different desks. Now get out pencils and paper and answer this question: Which tyre was flat? "

A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the hell had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background: "You don't have enough bullets, mate! "

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat..There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat? "The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog."Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. "She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant! "This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place! "An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window