English

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a University of Alabama Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Auburn University in Alabama.The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:"I was a father all my life,I had no children, had no wife,I read the bible through and throughon my way to Timbuktu..."The audience went wild! How they wondered could the redneck top that?The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,we met three ladies cheap to rent.They were three and we were two,so I booked one an Tim booked two..."

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The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor..."Shit" said the hypnotist.It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

"How old are you?""That is a difficult question. The latest personal survey available shows my psychological age to be 12, my moral age 4, my anatomical age 7, and my physiological age 6. I suppose, however, that you refer to my chronological age, which is 8. That is so old-fashioned that I seldom think of it any more."

A woman wanted a divorce. She went to the courthouse and appeared before the judge.The judge reviewed her petition and asked, "Do you have grounds?"The woman looked at him quizzically and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor, we do have about an acre and a half.""No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge?"The bewildered woman replied, "No, we just have a carport."The judge was becoming frustrated. "You're not getting the point," he said. "Does he beat you up?"The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 and he doesn't get up until 7:00."The judge was exasperated. He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? What reason do you have for wanting a divorce?"The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem."

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The policeman said, "What's he like?"Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

A bus stops. 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........""Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window..."Pull over!""No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.""I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."The old woman fainted.

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbor.COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk.FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk.BUREAUCRATISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and thenthrows the milk away...TRADITIONAL CAPITALISMYou have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.You sell them and retire on the income.SURREALISMYou have two giraffes.The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.AN AMERICAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.AMERICAN VENTURE CAPITALISMYou have two cows.You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.No balance sheet provided with the release.The public then buys your bull.A FRENCH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.A JAPANESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.A GERMAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.AN ITALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows, but you don't know where they are.You decide to have lunch.A RUSSIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You count them and learn you have five cows.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.A SWISS CORPORATIONYou have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.You charge the owners for storing them.A CHINESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.AN INDIAN CORPORATIONYouhave two cows.You worship them.A BRITISH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.Both are mad.AN IRAQI CORPORATIONEveryone thinks you have lots of cows.You tell them that you have none.No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.Business seems pretty good.You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATIONYou have two cows.The one on the left looks very attractive ...